Three, Two, One…. Stop!

This is how it happened! One day like every day I woke up, got ready to work, went downstairs had a coffee and while I was having my first cigarette of the day thinking about my to-do list it came from nothing and changed my life.

What was it?

The Panic Attack!

I don’t know what happened afterwards, the only thing I know is that I was laying in bed, not wanting to talk to anybody and didn’t want to go out!

My phone was ringing all the time and my husband turned it off.

From that moment on, my brain switched off and I wasn’t able to think about anything!

After few days I went to the doctor and was diagnosed Anxiety with Depression! I didn’t know what that was! The only thing I was thinking about was that I was unable to go back to work but at the same time felt guilty about it. I felt guilty about everything that I was left incomplete and I worried about my future and the future of my family since I wouldn’t get any financial support from the company while I was sick.

I started a battle with myself, started to take the medicines the doctor gave me but it didn’t help! I wasn’t sleeping! I would wander around the house all night long and during the day I would stay in bed.

It took me 2 months to be able to sit in the living room during the day instead of laying all day in bed.

I couldn’t read.

Then I started to crochet, I remembered about a book I read years before that was explaining how crochet helps people with depression to stop thinking and free their minds, I already liked crochet so I just started. That helped me a lot to calm down.

The doctor gave me sleeping pills and that worked a lot. Being able to sleep made me feel great.

The financial situation and the pressure to make a decision about going back to work immediately or take the time to heal made me take a decision fast. The decision to get out of that job situation was hard, I felt again that I was being mistreated but at the same time I needed to get away to heal. The support from my company was ok, the support from the client was zero. They just didn’t care.

Right after I was out of work I felt better, a big rock fell from my back and I felt lighter, for about two weeks I was doing fine. Little I knew that it was just a moment, I wasn’t healed I was just feeling better.

I started to get out of the house I went to Barcelona for a few days. It was ok but I couldn’t wait to get back home and feel safe.

I went out for Halloween, I wanted to go back to the old me. That didn’t work well after the party I closed myself in the house again.

On December I went to visit my family in Eastern Europe. Disaster! I came back and got sick it took me weeks to get out of the room again.

Now…? I’m fighting every day to stay positive and go back to the person I was before.

How is it gonna be? I don’t know but I will write how is it going and I’ll force myself to go back to the happy person I once was.

Thank you for reading me 🙂

Lucy

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