Starting To Heal

Today (Wednesday) is the Third Day of the Mental Health Awareness Week, on Monday we had a guest post written by Michael Nulty (Promoting Positive Mental Change) where he explained what is depression, why is hard to speak about it and through his kind words Michael gives you the encouragement to open up and speak with no fear. Yesterday I shared with you common signs and symptoms of depression (Signs & Symptoms of Depression) and shared with you my own story… Today I would like to start telling you how I healed, I would like to emphasize though, that every story, every situation is different, I’m not a doctor, I’m just a person that went through depression and got better.

It was hard to face depression, but, it was even harder to accept the fact that I had Mental Health issues. For me having to stop and be considered a sick person was hell! I won’t lie to you I felt miserable I beat my self up so much feeling guilty for not being “Strong Enough” I treated myself like shit!!! I was my worst enemy I spoke about myself like not even my biggest enemy would. But you know what? Today I thank life for that 4th of July 2017 with all my heart because that day my real me was born, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wouldn’t have happened. I know it’s kinda crazy to be thankful for depression, anxiety, panic attacks I know it sounds weird but I know that by the end of the week you will understand why I’m so thankful.

Today I will share with you how I stepped into the route of healing…

The 4th of July 2017 I woke up, showered and got ready to go to work. I was nervous, I was worried about getting to the office, I was super Uber afraid to turn on the computer and read the emails. I was freaking out about the idea of stepping into all those meetings and having to deal with the requests of the client. Fear grew inside my heart, a voice inside of me was shouting “don’t go!!! don’t go!!!” and bang!!! I started to shake, to cry, I was standing in kitchen holding my cup of coffee and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t put the cup down, my husband asked what was going on and I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t explain what was going on until I shouted “I’m Afraid of going to work” he was very understanding and helped me to go back to bed… I cannot remember how many days I slept, I cannot remember if I ate, If I drank, I have no memory of those days. When I finally woke up I couldn’t speak and my husband took me to the doctor, I was diagnosed with Anxiety with Depression and I was given loads of drugs… Drugs to stay calm, Drugs to sleep, drugs for the migraines and Drugs I didn’t even know why I had to take…

I took the drugs for about 1 month, maybe… I was very afraid of getting addicted to the drugs, I was afraid that the drugs weren’t really solving my problem but just hiding it like shoving the dirt under the rug and I was afraid that at some point I would have to look under the rug and face the mess I was hiding under it… I was afraid of not being myself ever again, I had this stupid image of many famous people that end up dying for over medicating themselves. I know it’s crazy but that was my fear… So I preferred to suffer maintaining my consciousness than being fake calm…

So I made the crazy decision to stop taking the drugs I just kept the Migraine medicines because the pain was too much and I couldn’t handle it without what I called “my magical pills” (Please don’t do what I did, don’t stop taking your pills without the permission of your doctor)

I practically lived in my bedroom and came out of my room just to go to the toilet… I cannot remember anybody that came to see me… I remember waking up sometimes and seeing my best friend lying next to me in bed watching Netflix, I remember that she looked at me and calmly said: “Don’t worry honey it’s all ok”… I had so many messages on my phone that at some point I just decided to turn it off. I cannot remember how long I stayed in my bedroom, my husband says it was for 2 months.

September

I was laying in bed, that day, I woke up with no pain and I picked up my kindle I wanted to read a book I wanted to do something productive, and scrolling looking at purchased books I saw a book that I’ve bought and read some years ago “Crochet Saved My Life” I decided to click on it and read it, but for my surprise I wasn’t able to read… Each time I started to read my mind dragged back and what I saw in front of me was my computer screen with the number of unread emails, the number was 185, I couldn’t get that image out of my mind. So I closed the kindle but, I started to remember the stories of the people written on the book and how they battled Depression through Crochet. A thought cuddled my mind: “If I can start crocheting and think about what I’m crafting all the other thoughts that I cannot understand will shut up and I’ll be able to have peace.”

So that was it! I got out of bed, showered and went downstairs to search in the garage for my old hooks and some colourful threads… Went to the living room and crochet all day long, all night long… for the next months…

I was still not leaving the house unless I had to go to the doctor but at least I wasn’t sleeping all day long… I wasn’t able to read yet, but, at least I was crocheting… I was crocheting myself out of depression…

Thank you for reading

lucy

Mental Health Awarness

Common Symptoms and Signs of Depression

Behaviour

  • not going out anymore
  • not getting things done at work/school
  • withdrawing from close family and friends
  • relying on alcohol and sedatives
  • not doing usually enjoyable activities
  • unable to concentrate

Feelings

  • overwhelmed
  • guilty
  • irritable
  • frustrated
  • lacking in confidence
  • unhappy
  • indecisive
  • disappointed
  • miserable
  • sad

Thoughts

  • ‘I’m a failure.’
  • ‘It’s my fault.’
  • ‘Nothing good ever happens to me.’
  • ‘I’m worthless.’
  • ‘Life’s not worth living.’
  • ‘People would be better off without me.’

Physical

  • tired all the time
  • sick and run down
  • headaches and muscle pains
  • churning gut
  • sleep problems
  • loss or change of appetite
  • significant weight loss or gain

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