From today I’ll write everyday how the days are going, how I’m battling against this Anxiety with Depression thingy and hopefully it will keep me challenged to set a routine and slowly be able to re-build myself.
I’m not speaking with a doctor yet because I didn’t found anybody I trust and also I rarely leave the house. When I do go out, I go with my husband. During this 6 months I left the house alone once and I had to call my husband because I felt that I was gonna have a panic attack or as I found out later I got anxious about the possibility of having a panic attack so I called him to come pick me up.
Today it took me a long time to get out of bed, I just couldn’t get out. I was very nervous, wanting to smoke and my “Stop Smoking Project”failed miserably!
My plan for today was to go to town and buy a Diary since the attempt to have a Digital Planner on my iPad didn’t work at all. Paper is paper and I think for now I wont be able to get rid of it. Lol! I also wanted to see some shops and try on some light skinny mommy jeans (they look so good on Instagramers…), I want to change this black rocknroll look I have… Than I changed my mind “why should I do that? I stay at home on my pyjamas all day long anyways… who cares…
Instead I went to my friends house. He just bought a house with his fiancé and I never went to see it, so I thought let’s go! At the beginning it was ok, I had a chat with his fiancé (she is a wonderful girl) and all was good, one hour or so and than it started, I just wanted to get hack out of there immediately and go home. I couldn’t speak anymore, I couldn’t listen anymore I just got super impatient and started to tell me my husband to go home. He was helping our friend with some things and asked me to wait and that got me super uber nervous and I guess he understood I needed to get out.
I was determined to hold myself up and get my diary and off we went to town quick we bought the agenda and went home.
OMG!!! When I got in the house all that anxiousness I was feeling went away. I suddenly felt happy and safe.
I started to write on my diary I wrote today’s posts and now I’m ok.
I went out to our friends house finally.
I started to write on my diary again, and making plans.
I’m not ashamed anymore of saying what my problem is and how I’m feeling…
I finally started reading.
I miserably failed on my attempt to stop smoking.
I failed on being able to speak with people.
Failed in being able to stay out of the house.
Got super nervous and impatient.
For today that’s it.
Thank you for reading